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life just shot one in the 5 hole

hilariously life has decided to give me a complete "curve ball" though I like the title I used for the post better to express it. Baseball is just sucks. (yes, "is just" i said it)

just when I think it's safe to give up on someone and had for a LONG time he goes and finds me on FB and decides to start messaging me! Of course this is right after I said I don't wanna date "another Mike." I think the timing of this was just insane. However I'm quite hopeful on this prospect. When I first saw the guy I thought he was gorgeous and obviously still do. Just the fact that he never said anything in class always just made me kinda worry that he's just that quiet. Either that or working crazy hours drains him THAT MUCH. I'm not sure.

so my head is going nutty on that subject. I'm getting art done which is great. one project down umm like...5 more to go?

lastly I'm not sure what's going on with Lexi but she's been acting really strange lately. I'm half tempted to take her to the vet to make sure something I'm just not seeing is going on and maybe was spurred on when she attacked the cat on Thanksgiving. I'm worried about my baby girl :(


Meet me in the whispers..

It seems that this fall has been the time for change for everyone. People getting engaged, people getting close to having babies, new jobs, lost loves, and complete lifestyle changes. So many things have happened this fall and I can't wait to see how things turn out this coming year.

I wish all the best to my friend's who have lost jobs and are going to start lives in a new position. Everyone who has lost a love I'm here for and together we will re-start our lives. I for one am excited for being single again and having no obligations. The only downside for me is I'll miss having the extra warmth of someone else during these coming cold months. Lexi will have to do as my little living space heater.

Recently (due to finances) I am becoming more motivated to find some sort of part-time position. Probably a good time to look for one with Christmas coming up and people wanting seasonal workers. That'll be fine for me. I've applied to many places in the previous months...I guess I just need to go even FURTHER outside the box. The charges of living on my credit card are rising and I really don't want to have to fess up and tell my Dad to have him bail me out...I'm sure I'll figure out something. I'm going to try and sell my bass as well. Just need to get it back from Jeremy at some point.

I want this season to get nice and cool sooner.

...when no one's around. Nothing can stop us now.


Slowly Mending.

Life seems crazy at the moment but I've been having a good time getting out of the house more often. The bad side is it's starting to get a little expensive. Might have to chill at home for quite a while until funds balance out......if possible.

I contend that boys are still stupid.

Puppies are better when plentiful.

Art is fun but concentration is lacking.

New AFI is my blissful retreat.

Sam, I can't wait to go to the beach with you Wednesday after my class. Honey, you need it just as much as I DO. Jess, I'll see your stupid gorgeous face tonight @ coffee, how I've missed it so! Hockey soon, for sure. Jil, I'm glad I was able to talk to you the other day and must make promises to myself that I'll do so more often. You're too awesome to miss and I'm sorry that for so many years we've passed each other by only over silly distance. Judy, I know, I missed fryday...next time for sure.

That's it for now. Procrastinating working on art homework...laundry is getting done. I've sorted through the images here on my laptop separating years and Mike times and not....urgh. So much of my life I've found in these photos and more of them it seems is just from the past few months being out with my girls. I can't believe I wasted so much time on a stupid boy.


today's achievements

Got way too far ahead in my Colour class

Had good brunch/nap/study time with my homie

Went crazy over my man, connected with his best friend

Finally spoke to Mike, have a ride set for Wednesday :)

Had girls immediately at my side, comfort

Found an artist I'd been meaning to look up

Going to finish reading Lunar Park and start American Psycho

Walked Lexi around my neighborhood for the first time since she was bitten

Today seems to have been productive.

I'm not surprised, nor am I amused.

Like I had suspected with Mike's big move he is completely and utterly non-communicae. I am so sick of BS like this. It's what happened when he moved back home to Berkeley and its happened again to a larger extreme. I do understand moving somewhere completely different is a big ordeal...but then wouldn't you want to call and talk to people that you know in the evening when you're calming down for the evening? Collecting yourself?

If I don't make the effort to text I don't hear one God damn fucking word. Nothing to even give the impression or slightest inkling of "yes, I am alive." This my friends is bull shit.

I'm going to wait and see how long it takes until I do hear something from Mike. But I mean, if you were involved with someone 2 years and wanted to hold on to them, wouldn't you make a bigger effort to keep in touch? I kind of feel like it's a tin can phone and the line has been dropped on the other end for way too long.

How long would you put up with it?


Getting Fed Up

Thankfully I'm not the only one that is feeling the pressure of life lately. After reading through a few friend's posts I feel better that I'm not the only one worrying about the next few months; or just want the year to be over.

Mike hasn't even been gone a week yet and already I feel isolated and alone. Thinking how he's not just 40 minutes away anymore and I can't see him when I want, that I won't share the same space with him for months at a time, it still makes me tear up inside. Barely 48 hours after he left my Mom decided to pick a fight with me about not working. Seriously, she just doesn't understand that even to get a shit job it IS HARD to just get a job. It's not like I haven't applied for the most random shit on the planet and things that would pay less than 10 an hour so why the fuck does she have to be on my case. Sure, I did quit my last job but seriously, it was not worth it to stay with the stress levels. Yea I had a job but I loathed my life. Mike even said when I quit I was a lot brighter again and happy like I used to be when we'd first started going out. It was easier to not work during all the moving anyway. I'm glad I didn't get a job right off too since that left me more time to be with Mike before he left for New Orleans.

But of course she HAD to keep picking the fight, not stop bugging me, and pull out one of her fucked up empty threats. "I'll cut you off the phone service and take your phone." This made me fucking LOSE IT considering it's the only way I have to keep in touch with Mike. I made an angry comment to that effect, went in my room (but didn't lock my door) and she came in to give me more BS. WTF. I put a leash on Lexi and walked out the front door and texted Mike. I was surprised he answered me.

If living at home is going to continue to have this kind of BS over money I don't know how long I can stand it. As it is I've been here since May and have been going fuckin' crazy. I can't work enough to make money to live somewhere on my own with Lexi though. That's always been the biggest problem.

So right now I just want school to start and have it consume my time. I'm sick of being home especially since my Mom had the great idea to take the week after Mike left to be OFF. Fuckin' a. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life and really just want something to happen ANYTHING for the better. Just once. I'm so sick of all this bull-shit. I'm sick of my parents. I hate that Mike decided to go out of state. Beyond this I hate not being able to get away.

things i would like to achieve by 35

a masters in art
finally, a motorcycle
get rid of my crappy car (upgrade!)
living somewhere Lexi has a yard
actually enjoying my life
not hating the job i have
more tattoos
a trip out of the country

that's not too much to expect. is it?


yet again, it's been ages.

It's been a long time that's for sure. At the moment I'm sure I have a billion thoughts on my mind but really, they don't matter. Going by day by day things seem to be going okay. Getting another job is definitely taking a lot longer than I had thought but I don't mind. Its been nice just having some time off to finally compose and simplify my life bit by bit. When I moved back home it was really hard to just get used to being here again. It hurt a lot being pulled away from living with Mike too. I miss living with him SO much and wish that there was a better way for everything to pan out. A lot of thoughts like the "what if I hadn't..." and "if I were still working XXX would I have gotten XXX done/paid off or aquired XXX." It just isn't worth it to dwell on it anymore.

I've enjoyed being able to spend so much more time with Jess. For some reason just hanging out with her has always been the most simplest and stress free thing to do. With all my other friends/family they either flake on me last minute, have other plans, or are just constantly busy. That just was too much to have to bother with.

So it feels really good to have:
-gotten rid of a shit load of crap from my room
-have some time off after working a horrible job
-get my credit bill paid off
-be done up-keeping my car and now just doing basic maintenance
-and enjoy GP weekend

Now I just have to wonder how I'm going to deal with Mike living out of state. On top of that I'm going back to school myself to get started on an art degree. I just really hope that this time around I don't waste any time and it's WORTH IT. I'm tired of crappy jobs that don't give me enough money or well, just a horrible employer.

That's all I really had on my mind. I figure starting back up on here again will help me while Mike is gone and I can compose my thoughts a bit better. Sounding boards are nice.


things are shitty again! WTF MATE!!!???

i thought that things were going all right again for once. the only thing that was slightly bothersome was that Mike still hasn't wrangled himself a job but i was dealing with that okay. then the can of worms exploded and all the cats came out of the bag. this was no "hey cat" but totally the opposite.

i was finally actually saving money since i got my fat federal tax return and was on my way to positively having cash for a bike. i was keeping some aside for Lexi since she's due for shots soon as well and i wanted to take her to see Dr.G since she's so awesome. hello nice fat Dr's visit fee.

along with all of this i decided i would be a good girl and take in my car to get it checked out for general maintenance since well, it hadn't been done since i bought the thing. i decided to do an eye exam the same day since my contacts haven't been working the same magic that they used to.

what ended up happening is that my car has 1500 dollars of damage going on and at least 500 of this was due to a prior issue that's been on-going for about 6months. that made me angry since the dealer should've dealt with that before trying to sell me the fucker. the warranty i got will only cover about 400 dollars, big whoop. so i have 1100 dollars to worry about now. my Mum wanted me to start paying money on the car back to my G'pa (which i was going to do) but now well....things might have to wait a while.

i still have about 2300 on my credit card i was going to pay off slowly, i finally got my 2nd one paid off and now it seems i'll have money sitting on both of them again. i think i have all my bills paid off for the month (thank god) but it still leaves me with wtf should i do to pay this? should i use the money i was saving up for Lex and a bike to pay half of it? i think that's what i'll end up doing as heartbreaking as it might be. but fuck, i have to have a working car and the guys at the shop are SO SOOOOOOOOOO great. i'd rather get it ALL done at once and never have to worry about it again or worry about it becoming a problem if i only do part of it now.

on top of this my boy high sided his bike last night. he got banged up pretty good. some scrapes and bruises and a spranged wrist but all in all just a shattered spirit. his bike took it a lot worse. bent ass left bar, broken mirror, cracked plastic over the tank, cracked seat cowl, and some scratches on the left faring. it took it hard. i don't know if i'll be able to deal with this boy's unemployed bikeless mood again........it was bad enough the first time.

on the better side of things i talked to Mikey who i haven't heard from in YONKS! he's doing about the same as i am it seems. just scraping by on the money and his girlie is a slob just like my boyo. all in all though we're both surviving. yay.

the suckiest part here though is i was supposed to be paid TODAY. i need that money NOW so i can get my fucking car but it seems that it won't really be that possible. it'll all have to go on a fucking credit card. flippin marvelous.

I'll Miss You

My friend Michelle told me about this yesterday but I just couldn't believe it. I found this article today and it's just heartbreaking. I went to skool with this cat, I'll miss em.

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 01:20:02 GMT

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The Santa Clara County medical examiner's office today identified 23-year-old Gerardo Vizcarra of San Jose as the man who was killed in a motorcycle accident Wednesday night in Milpitas.

Vizcarra was riding a 2007 Honda sport bike northbound on Interstate Highway 880 at about 8 p.m. when he crashed on the right shoulder of the Great Mall Parkway exit, according to the California Highway Patrol.

He was pronounced dead at the scene.